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18
Feb
2010
Tah boo chur! E-mail
City Life - Blogs & Columns
Written by Mary Higgins
I was at dinner the other night with a bunch of friends, mostly new ones. Usually being the only “token white guy” in the crowd, I had competition that night. Another Whinese was at the table. He’d been in China for 1 year and early on started working up the crowd with his ‘Woe shur May Gwow Ren” this and “Woe ai shuay shee Hahn you” that. He conveniently ignored me as he performed, stealing a glance every now and again to ensure he would not be challenged as Alpha-Whinese.

In retrospect, I suppose I should have stopped his posturing earlier. I didn’t have the energy to trump him. I guess I could have uttered a few syllables. I could have even thrown down with archaic quotations like 道可道非常道. But I let him play his cards. This was a mistake. By the time dinner came, he was the belle of the ball, the grandmaster funk, the proud recipient of oohs and aahs.

It was a delightful feast of entrails, curdled pig blood, a mound of steamed fat, some soup that looked like the grease vat at Wendy’s and a plate of fried scorpion. I wanted none of it.

As I rummaged through the plates to locate a sliver of something I could eat, the Whinese finally noticed me. “Why don’t you try this?” he said, pointing to the fish eyeball. “Thanks, but I don’t care much for it” I replied. Another 2 minutes of hunger passed. This gentle benefactor stepped forward again to share his wisdom: “You know, we should just try new things. It shows respect for their culture.”

“Listen man,” I couldn’t take it anymore, “long before you arrived in China I tried bear paws, chou doufu and dog meat. I don’t like this kind of stuff. I’m happy with just some Yaoguo Jiding or a burger.”

He was a little surprised by my answer, but it didn’t deter him. “Well, you should still try a little.” He turned back to his now Kabala-followers, never-minding that they understood everything we said in English, and said “Tah boo chur“.

First of all, leave me alone. Second, if you want to stick that shit into your intestines, go right ahead, but don’t bring me along for the ride. Third, 99% of mainland Chinese in the US don’t want to “try new things” when it comes to food. They know what they like and what they don’t like. Are they all disrespecting my culture? Who cares?! Afford me the same respect shithead!

Our valuable Editor Mary Higgins has been with us since Tuesday, 24 November 2009.

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Comments  

 
0 #3 Ian Clark 2010-06-01 11:49
Damn funny.Why is it that all White guys say shway shee and not xue xi. Ha!
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0 #2 Norma 2010-03-10 23:55
You relly did eat bear paws? God forgive you! ;-) Were those panda paws?! jejeje Because I do not think even the panda bears are safe here! Everything that moves goes to the pot! Bon appetit!
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0 #1 Udo Müller 2010-02-21 01:43
Nice stuff, happens always everywhere. I'm tyred of these guys too. Thanks for the article!
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